Caring about what others think

Telling yourself you shouldn’t care about what other people think of you when you actually do is a form of self-shaming.

Not caring about what other people think of you doesn’t make you more evolved, morally superior, or better.

There’s nothing wrong with caring about what other people think of you.

In fact, it’s probably been very useful in achieving what you’ve achieved in life. The grades in school, the promotions at work, romantic prospects, acceptance in a community, and so on.

Can you see the intelligence in caring about what others think without judging this part of you?

If you're saying “I shouldn’t care what they think” when you actually do, don't try to override or change this truth.

Instead, try saying “I care about what they think."

What do you notice?

You can care about what someone thinks and not do what they want you to do. Or what you think someone who doesn’t care would do.

But tell yourself the truth first. Let the truth be the foundation for your decision-making.

What you decide may still feel uncomfortable, but it will be the discomfort that comes from telling yourself the truth. Not discomfort that comes from invalidating and shaming yourself.

Here’s a personal example:

I care about what you think of me. But not in a way where I want you to like me. I care about what you think of me to the extent that I’m not misunderstood by you.

Whether you like me or not doesn’t matter to me, but I want the conclusion to be based on knowing me, understanding me. I want you to understand me first, then decide what you think of me.

I could tell myself that I shouldn’t think this way, as I have many times. But when I do, I experience inner conflict between what’s true for me and what I want to be true. I don’t want to care but I actually do.

It’s too much to sort through that I’ll disengage from connection and relationship.

I end up creating no chance for misunderstanding or understanding.

I learn nothing about myself.

But when I open up to the truth, “I care about what you think of me,” I notice the part of me that is afraid to be misunderstood.

That part of me urges me to conform to how others may see her. To not deviate from the “script,” whatever that means, because it’s different than how she was known before.

I can hold myself in the discomfort of possible misunderstanding. I can validate the part of me that cares what you think, inviting her in but not letting her drive the next decision. (In this case, posting these thoughts).