5 steps to building self-support
The other night I told my husband that sometimes I wish baby would go away. I was joking but I knew it was the truth because I felt shame immediately after the words left my mouth. How dare I utter such a thought? What kind of monster says that?
Then I got curious. What's going on? What was I trying to say?
I sighed. "I just need time alone...away from anyone’s energy,” I heard myself say. “Including baby's.”
“Baby energy?”
“Baby energy is a lot.”
“Big baby energy.”
He isn’t as sensitive to other people’s feelings and energy as I am. It’s my strength but turns into burnout when I don’t prioritize space to be with myself and clear out what isn’t mine.
My comment was never about baby. It was about an unmet need: alone time. I was also declining support when offered. “I got it, I got it!” I’d say instead, believing that I didn't deserve extra alone time now that I was a parent (lies!)
So, I made two changes moving forward:
Practical: Making support a recurring event. There are consistent times in the week where I'm away from baby. I'm writing this during one of those times.
Mindset: Not making myself wrong for needing alone time more than most people. I know I show up the best in my role as a parent when I have alone time.
When you find yourself showing up in a way that you know isn't your best, here's what you can do to support yourself:
Don’t judge or shame yourself. This is the quickest way to shut off connection to self-understanding. You cannot support yourself if you don’t understand yourself. Notice the voice of criticism (often it sounds like “shoulds”) and don’t engage.
Get curious instead. I wonder why I said that. I wonder what was going on for me to do that. Stay in curiosity even when you feel the urge to judge and shame. How interesting, I wonder where I learned to judge myself for showing up like this.
When you’re in a calm and settled state, ask yourself, “What do I need?” Listen for the answer that comes up and not the one you think you should think. If you don’t know what you need, get curious about it too, and bring compassion into the room. I wonder why I don’t know what I need. It must be really hard to live like that.
Meet the need if you’re resourced to do so. This is another step towards building the skill of having your own back. Sometimes the need is to see yourself and be with and notice the part of you that's suffering. Sometimes the need is having a conversation, making a request, drawing a boundary.
Celebrate! A simple acknowledgement—I’m proud of myself—will do, if that feels good to you. Feel into what it’s like to affirm your effort. It might feel awkward at first, but with practice, you'll start to normalize self-support and self-compassion in your life.
This is a general framework and will not always look this smooth. Clients often get stuck in one of these steps, in which case I step in as the voice of support and compassion. We work on building that voice for themselves so they can feel better and take care of themselves. Get in touch if you want customized help for your specific circumstance.