Shifting personal beliefs

A friend told me, “I’m not likable up close.” It was painful for her to say it.

It surprised me because the more I get to know her, the more I like her.

So I asked, “What if you’re actually more likable up close?”

She looked at me as if I had said the wildest thing. It had not occurred to her that she could be likable up close, let alone more likable up close.

But my experience of her was proof. I knew her from afar and I know her up close. And if given a choice, I would choose up close. Because she is that likable.

“Really,” I said. “I like you way more now.”

My opinion shattered the perception she held of herself.

It created space to look at herself from a different angle.

I have a similar painful belief that I recently worked through:
If you get too close to me, I will hurt you.

Not because I want to hurt you, but because your expectations for me will not match what I’m available for, and your disappointment of me will hurt you.

The subtext being when you’re hurt from your disappointment of me, it’s my fault for letting you get too close.

It was so painful when I first uncovered this about myself. I didn’t know it was there.

Like my friend, I had evidence for this belief. Every time someone got close to me and then got hurt, the association between closeness and hurt burrowed a little deeper into my subconscious mind.

I’ve seen how it plays out:
We can be close but not too close. This amount of closeness is safe, but any more we’re in the danger zone of me hurting you.

When this belief came into my awareness, I sat with the parts of me involved in its creation and let each part tell me its side of the story.

I saw the part of me that was scared to hurt others, who thought she was responsible for people’s suffering. When I asked what this part of me needed from me, I heard:

Communicate what you’re available for. Don’t take on emotions that are not yours.

I saw the part of me that wanted to be close, who knew what a joy it was for people to receive her closeness. When I asked what this part of me needed from me, I heard:

Closeness isn’t the problem. Stay accountable to your part of the dynamic.

Since acknowledging these parts of me and allowing each a seat at the table, I have noticed subtle shifts.

There’s no longer fear of being too close.

Too close doesn’t even exist. There’s no more keeping a finger on the dial switch of my closeness, ready to dial it down.

My closeness is always open for sharing because it’s protected by the guardrails I’ve built around it:

I’m clear to myself first about what I’m available for.

I let go of what isn’t mine without retracting my closeness and warmth.

I allow the discomfort of people having their own experiences of me without trying to manipulate how I’m seen.

My belief has graduated:

If you get close to me, we’ll have a good time.

:-)

What painful thoughts about yourself are you willing to examine, turn on its head, and/or release?

Reach out if you have a specific belief you want to shake up and create space around to see another perspective. It may not be comfortable but it’ll be worth it.